The fears of an anxiety riddled Nigerian law student
Yeah , yeah, i know , if you have anxiety why did you choose law. Honestly, I don’t know, I liked the idea of making a difference in the government sphere. I wanted to be a commercial lawyer, drop files and say “the terms of this contract are bullshit, what did you mean by sneaking in that term?” , you know like in suits when harvey and mike will pull some wonder work on a contract that someone tried to run them over. I have always been an office type of person, I am not enamoured with the entrepreneur life. It seems weird , right? but it truely is not. It is just how i have always been.
Right now, i am writing this article while preparing for my virtual moot on saturday which i took upon to face my fear of speaking in front of a crowd and i am scared out of my mind. I just wish i could back out but i have principles and this is one of those principles. I don’t back out of things i volunteered to start especially when i am the lead counsel.
You know, what if i tank it like i tanked my first moot, what if i don’t win best counsel? What if I make a horrible mistake which spoils my whole case? I really don’t know and this keeps on bothering me everyday but let’s move on from what is actually happening now. Let me tell you the fears i feel everyday on a normal day.
On a normal school day, my biggest fear is having a carryover in one of my law courses, a whole 4 units course, a 0 . I honestly cannot deal, you might see it as “but people do have this zero” but the truth is that alongside my anxiety, i have a huge fear of failure in my school work. A 3 is not good enough for me, A 4 is not good enough for me. My first 3 made me cry, My second 3 was even worse, i cried all day. I felt numb. So everyday, i read and i read and i read and then i watch some youtube videos on reading and maximising your knowledge and then i read again.
Another fear is that i might not be a great lawyer, now i see people in my faculty more particularly in my level making moves, going for internships, writing articles on law on linkedin, winning moots, mocks, going for debates, winning essay competitions and i know i am not meant to compare but unfortunately i do it and i hate doing it .
I can’t even speak in front of a crowd i don’t know without making mistakes and stammering, I am scared of writing articles on LinkedIn because what if i write nonsense, what if what i write doesn’t make sense, I am scared of writing my opinions on twitter because what if what i write pours more fuel to the fire. I am scared of going to moots because what if i fail, what if i fail so bad that i can never show my face in another moot. You know what, I don’t even know what i feel about laws. I don’t know how i feel about a lot of things.Even this article, i feel it is subpar as i am writing this fears they seem a little trivial because i can actual solve them.
I know that this fears are solvable but how do i do everything all before i enter 300 level, writing this article makes me feel a lot better about this fears like i can actually face this fears. I am just a whole lotta scared about even solving them and i want to do everything before i am in 300 level and also seem like a normal teenager because that is who i am, I am a teenager, i am struggling to get past the years of bullying i suffered throughout my years and also solve my problems that i have accumulated over this past 3 years. This aren’t all my fears but they are the most significant.
I don’t know if i will ever solve this problems or face my fears or be good in every aspect and you know what, it is not okay, it absolutely is not because i am not going to settle for anything less. I am not going to settle for subparity in my life. I just wish it was easier.
